Desert Period
Put it into words
Not just in tears
Let the heartaches pour
through the fingers
onto the page.
The wailings of the heart
cry to be spoken.
Must be expressed
for they come in massive waves
from somewhere deep inside .
So tired.
from hanging onto the edge of this
unexplainable well of self .
This desert period.
This lonely oasis
Trembling in aloneness .
Looking out through spirit eyes.
Will this bloody earth prison
see it all denied ?
Oh that I could remember
my soul passion before I came here
to this hell planet.
I would so be renewed.
All things pass because life is just an illusion isn't it? It is only love that never dies so in order to really grow in soul one must above all keep the heart open and not lock it up . We learn our lessons of love because it touches all we touch and everything we do in life . It is all such a personal private thing between our self and our Creator. Even in the dead times I know we are not alone. It may feel that way but Mother /Father never abandon us I know this because just as a good parent does .. They stand aside for a bit while we take our baby steps in a lesson and this is as it should be... bloody knees don't kill anybody and though the climb of the mountain of self is hard to take at times it is all so necessary . I do know all of the hard times pass eventually and we come out of the dead times a little bit smarter in the lesson and hopefully a lot stronger
Learning to perfection
Love is knowing rejection and not closing oneself off for fear of getting hurt.
Love is living life realizing that it owes you nothing.
That you are here to learn the lessons like everybody else.
The yearnings that you feel inside
that are there all the time are just memories of Home; the feelings of oneness with the All that is.
You are in a heavy world of sorrow for a life on this earth.
Do the best you can.
Plug into God
Especially when you think at times all of it is more than you can take.
You can and will come through this life despite all the hurts you heap upon yourself unknowingly most times.
Lessons in life are hard but never impossible.
Greatness comes through adversity,
Who am I?
What are my themes? How does my life validate that?
Everyone has a life purpose. We are all here in life experiencing for the All that Is … our Creator, the One with many names. Our life themes are the purposes that we choose when we come into life after life to perfect our souls for God and our own wish to merge with the All that we love so much.
The themes we chose are in all of the incarnations we take on till we eventually decide that we have had enough and then we return to God and finish up on the Other Side .It is what makes us so unique, for with our Primary and Secondary theme we live each life flavoring and experiencing, gathering knowledge in our own individual unique way for God. It is through adversities, living through these themes that sharpen us to perfection in our contract with God .It is what flavors our personality and are the ways by which we have tested the mettle of our soul through the eons.
I am in a life lesson. I think for me it is the biggest one yet because I am in my last life. I am finishing up. Although I have a bit of all the themes in me I am working on two that are most important to my soul’s perfection scheme. I am not going to come back and so I am finally waking up to the answers to all of the questions I have asked myself throughout this life. Why am I here? What is my life purpose? What is the biggest lesson I have to learn in this particular life?
The doors are closing one by one.
Although I can see myself in all of the themes such as Activator, Analyzer, Emotionality and so many others, there are two that have been pointed out to me by Sylvia Browne and upon reflection I can see now how these two have had such an impact on my life especially in the last few years. I suppose if I took the time to go back to my childhood and went through all of my experiences such as the ones that stand out like huge banners I would see how my Humanitarian theme and the secondary one of Aesthetic are indeed the ones I have been learning with the most .These are what really make me tick . Add to this the particular lesson I have chosen to learn in this life which is Patience and all of it clicks together and makes sense.
Humanitarian .Yes,I am driven . This is part of my personality. I love too much. Ask anyone that knows me well and they will tell you this and so I tend to burn out at times and fall in the pits of despair because I cannot be the end all be all to everyone like I want to be for them and they are at times not measuring up to what I really think they are for I see what I want to see and this brings me to the secondary theme of Aesthetic. I am artistic, creative in all forms .I was born this way and have always been driven by either the need to sing or paint or write. I have always looked at life around me as something to marvel at. From the smell of a leaf to the color of the sky to the immensity of the universe and have been driven by the need to express what I see and feel in some way. It has never left me. I have always felt that no matter how tragic life can get sometimes it is such a beautiful world, that the rainbows far outweigh the rains. However I will take this feeling and try to make it so that it is expressed in some way to the outside world. I’m not really sure most times if it is because it is to let out some bottled up emotion and ease the discomfort inside myself in the expression or if it is because of a need to show those around me what truly is in front of their eyes that they cannot see and so I need to share .This trait makes me somewhat melodramatic in all aspects of my life. This artistic theme has always pushed against the Humanitarian one and has seen me make such mountains out of molehills in my life especially in my relationships with the opposite sex because when I get in the pits of despair and heartbreak I cannot accept defeat. I bounce back and forth like a rubber ball trying to decipher it all and make it mine by trying to either fix it or by finding a place for whatever it is that’s bugging me in my life in order for it to make sense. .I rally and go against everything in order to make it work like some sort of drama that needs to be played to the end.
This artistic theme has kept me from losing my mind at times however and I see it as a great blessing also. I have used the gift of music many times up to this day and especially so when I was a little girl. I used to sing for hours just to keep myself from crying at the frustrations of child abuse. The emotional and sexual atrocities suffered would have left a much more horrific stamp on me had I not had the ability to let out all the turmoil in nameless songs I learned, that even though they were not completely understood came out in music and made me feel better for the singing of them. I’ve always thought that these gifts given me were meant to be used by me in order to cope. Sylvia Browne has confirmed this for me with the psychic reading I have just received by phone this past month. The same can be said for the gifts of paintings. I have done these over the decades and the writings in these later years .I don’t think I am meant to be famous in this life although it would be nice I am not aspiring to be because this Aesthetic theme is not my primary theme but it has rubbed against me like sandpaper and it is something that I have come to see as a personification of who I really am along with the first one .I am a blending of the two in the ways I see and cope with life. Which one of these two is the most negative? My primary one or the secondary? I feel that at this point in my last life they are equal . I have lived through these since the beginning. I cannot say I have perfected them totally but maybe have perfected them as much as I have charted to in this life. They are what make me who I am.
In this life I can see myself touching all of the other themes as well. There are so many of them but these two are indeed my main ones and then I have the Patience lesson. This is the greatest lesson I have to learn in this life.
I am tired and tired on a deep soul level. I have had enough and now with the knowing that I have another thirty years at least to live through this life I am going to be in the throes of perfecting this particular gem Patience along with finishing up my two themes.
So this is what I have come to understand what makes me tick in this life. Was it worth it? Is it worth it?
When I am in the pits of hell and heartbreaks I say no way then at times I am given a rose, a hug, a bit of understanding by someone I truly love and I say yes it is worth all of it because I am a spiritual person and I know that we are all here for a reason .There is life after death. That we do touch each other in so many ways other than the physical and we come into each others’ lives for reasons most of us have no idea or recollection of why .We just don’t remember. Our soul remembers because it is so ancient collecting to itself in layers upon layers experiences of so many lifetimes lived but when we are here in life living it we are not meant to remember all of what we’ve been through in all the others or what lies ahead of us for sure for .. even in our next moments because most times if we did have this knowledge we wouldn’t learn the lesson at all. We wouldn’t polish up like the gems that we are meant to be.
Lately I have been blessed with a deeper understanding of why I am here. I know much more about what is ahead for me, so much more than I ever expected to know .I am in my last life here and have been graced with these bits of knowledge about me.. the ancient me . I will get through this life and all those that I love and those that I have always loved that have been in my life and that have touched me in some way have been here for a reason. Even though I sometimes don’t understand why I am the way I am or why I do some of the things I do. All I know is I love too much but then again how can there be too much of love ? maybe its because it is so big love is that for one soul to try and hold it into itself and comprehend it while burdened with this heavy shell makes it all so uncomfortable at times . but oh so exquisite .. love is such a truth.
We will all of us know the answers to all of it someday somewhere in time like I have written in one of my poems in my website, but when I say the words I love you they’d better believe me because I really really really do. I am just me, the me I have always been only now there is one more layer to the soul that I am.
What is Love
When I think of love ... I can't help but think of music... Music after all they say is the language of Love...and poetry ..
Love is so powerful , Such a force. It can move mountains and melt the hardest of hearts . It is selfless and joyful and at times the giving of it hurts like nothing you have ever felt before . But it is so beautiful .. so life transforming as to be what really makes this world go round.
Most songs say .. You make me feel .. he makes me feel .I feel bad without you .. you better feel just as bad without me .. What is this .? It's really not so confusing . Why or rather how can this world be better at loving ?. It seems to want it so much.
The heart !! The seat of all emotions .... mostly carried on a sleeve. At least for myself it seems that way and it probably is for most people . The giving of oneself without thoughts of what's in it for me . The wanting to make the other person happy and the filling of the heart with happiness when one sees the smile.
Opening one's heart to Love and the ability to pass it around is God's greatest gift to humankind I think . For as the sparks that we are , the little bit that we feel can never really measure up to what God has in Her heart for each and evey one of us. .We can only aspire to become as great as we can in this Love lesson.
One can give much to his fellow man . and we can see generosity all around especially in times of great sorrow. and we reach deep .. reach deep into our pockets and give all that we can give... but ... what is a dollar thrown to a beggar if one just gives it and then walks away. Its just a dollar after all. .. but .. handed over with a smile , a friendly gesture and it takes on so much more meaning. . That little dollar has the ability to not only put something in his stomach but the smile can transform his or her life. Love ..is ...
Love IS the answer ... but first , one has to open the heart and let it in ... Then open to the world and be willing to put oneself on the recieving end of maybe not getting Love in return.
Love is also letting go when one must... so that the other can learn their own lesson in Loving and yours in the lesson of what it feels like NOT to be Loved ..
Did you know that Love can be seen in the eyes? and in a smile ? can be felt from great distances ? in just a thought sent someones way .. or in a prayer?... its really not hard to miss. The warm feelings that emanate from a loving soul cannot be missed for anything else than what it is . Its so genuine . A palpable real thing you can wrap yourself in.. cozy yourself into .. till you're ready to face the world..I'd like to share this with you ....
When I was a younger woman pregnant with my second child not yet 30 years old ....married , pushing my baby carriage up the hill... I was making my way downtown to get a few groceries... and deciding to treat my daughter and myself, I stopped for a bit in the restaurant in the mall. After a little while I felt someone looking at me and caught sight of a young man . He waved . I waved back. Nice looking guy I thought to myself with a smile . I didn't know who he was though and I remember feeling a little uncomfortable but I thought .. He may be mistaking me for somebody else so I looked away .. only to find him standing beside me a few minutes later . "Excuse me " he said .. Are you Paulette? he asked . " Yes I am " I replied .. "I'm sorry .. do I know you ?" "You don't remember me do you? he said with a chuckle ." I can't blame you " he said ." It was quite a while back I know .. in high school .. grade nine "...I still couldn't place him . " Well ! I guess I'll have to jog your memory" he said with a smile and this is what he told me.
" One day at school , I was feeling really bad .. on the verge of suicide . I had made up my mind to do it right after school . I was so unhappy .The boys and a few girls in the class for some no known reasons to me at the time were always giving me a hard time and that particular morning was the last straw. I was such a geek in those days !!! I just came to tell you Paulette that you saved my life that day . You stood up walked to my seat and in front of everybody told them all to leave me alone.... . that you were my friend.....and that they should all be ashamed to treat me this way . They all went back and sat down.Then the teacher came back in and I managed the rest of the day thanks to you ... you really saved my life .... I've thought about you a lot over the years and wondered what had ever happened to you . I couldn't believe it when I saw you in here today.
Looking at my little family he said with a smile...." I see you are well set ... This is my wife over there and her parents.I hope I haven't embarrassed you in any way .I just wanted to tell you that you really made a difference in my life ... and with that... he went back to his table . Needless to say ... My feet never left the pavement all the way back home that day as I recalled ....and then it all came back to me .... It was all so small a thing.All I did was go there to be with him when he was surrounded by bullies . It was such a small gesture for a friend and not even a close friend. Come to think of it ,he never had a close friend in school . ever .. until that moment.I just couldn't stand to see it he was so alone .Wow !!!!. I can still see his smile when I think of him.
Love is the answer.Yes it is, to everything.... because when one stands up and put our own concerns aside , even for just a moment , for that person in need , and give freely , the door to ones heart burts open and Love overides all . What a day I had had ... One would think that this wonderful ripple would have been enough to see me through the rest of my life but .. I had yet another person come to me the next year, with an almost identical story of another ripple I had started and another life changed just because I took the time to Love and give of myself in the moment when the opportunity came.
Now I'm sitting here almost thirty years later. People have come in and gone out of my life for sure. I know I have no doubt hurt some along the way with words spoken too freely in my rush to get things done in my life ... without first thinking of putting myself in their shoes...and then expecting the ones I love to fill in all the missing gaps in my life... so if there is anything about love I am learning in living this life.... it is this ..
.. Don't settle for just pipe dreams. Don't let others define Love for you. Listen to the music in you that tells you what Love really is and go for it .. Don't hold back the tide. it has to go somewhere .. better to give it all you've got then try to keep the flood gates closed when you know you have it all inside to give. That's what God is all about.
Its also not all about making big waves so everyone can see just how loving you are but its in the quiet ways you can Love . The ones that are just between you and your wonderful Creator that makes the most difference in the world and just maybe someday years later when you least expect it , you'll get a pleasant surprise and feel the waves of joy and comfort that one of your little ripples may have caused ..
I think a person should .always follow their heart and the Love that's inside one will burn and multiply like the little candle's flame when it touches another. So, sometimes you get hurt in the bargain and don't get it back in the measures you might want or feel you need but that's what life is about isn't it? learning how to love and having the compassion to let others do it too ..ahh enough said .. go kiss somebody !!!!! .